iPray
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.

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                                        SCENE: GOD'S SANCTUM SANCTORUM

                                          REPORTER is interviewing GOD as
                                          heaven's CIO busies him/herself
                                          with a computer.

                                        REPORTER
               God! I realize this is a busy time what with the rapture and
               all. American Agnostic magazine appreciates the interview.

                                        GOD
               Are you recording this? I'd like a chance to clarify anything
               I say before you set it in stone. Had a bad experience with
               that. 

                                        REPORTER
               I have to ask about the issue on everyone's mind: the
               deficit. Every day the number of unanswered prayers gets
               larger. Prayers are piling up. Are you in fact overwhelmed by
               the prayer deficit?

                                        GOD
               All prayers are heard, but not all prayers are answered the
               way we expect.

                                        REPORTER
               Why the massive buildup?

                                        GOD
               The prayer deficit results from years of having more
               questions than answers. Sometimes all we can do is gather the
               questions.

                                        REPORTER
               What do you say to those who believe that severe cuts in
               prayer are required?

                                        GOD
               How can I cut off new prayers when there are so many Wall
               Streeters in danger of going to jail, so many border patrol
               agents ready to praise God and pass the ammunition, so many
               presidential candidates having "breakfasts"?

                                        REPORTER
               What will you do if you can't get consensus on raising the
               prayer ceiling? Is God too big to fail?

                                        GOD
               The universe can stand more prayer, not less. Besides, we are
               becoming more efficient.  All meditative and contemplative
               prayer has been outsourced to the Buddha's group, for
               instance. His numbers are way up now that we decided to refer
               to layoffs as "corporate nonattachment". We're also using
               technology to manage the workload. 

                              CIO steps forward.

                                        CIO
               Prayer?  There's an app for that. Actually, we've developed a
               whole suite of platform-independent products collectively
               marketed as iPray.  

                                        REPORTER
               So this is software to run on my phone?

                                        CIO
               Exactly. The first module is iPraise, for people who want to
               butter up the Big Guy. You dial a sentiment like "God, I love
               that sunset!" and use a pulldown menu to select a value from
               1 to 10. Push "Send" and off goes your message. 

                                        REPORTER
               Does God hear e-prayers?

                                        GOD
               I receive daily summaries. 

                                        CIO
               We've also launched iMeditate. Version 2.0 will feature
               instant enlightenment, works like a tazer. Then there's
               iConfess, very popular among professional athletes... 

                                        GOD
               Oh, and iSwear.  That one's very. . . 

                                        CIO
               Colorful. And the biggest, iWhine. 

                                        GOD
               Eighty percent of all prayers are complaints and demands, so
               this is our flagship product. 

                                        CIO
               Very big with bankers right now. 

                                        REPORTER
               But will this technology help reduce the deficit?

                                        CIO
               Yes, because beginning with the presidential campaign we've
               decided to limit all prayers to 140 characters. 

                                        GOD
               That's about 20 words. If you can't say it in 20 words, you
               can't say it. 

                                        CIO
               Short prayers are good prayers. 

                                        GOD
               Ask any Unitarian Universalist.

                                        REPORTER
               Thank you, God! 

                                        CIO
               Three words. 

                                        GOD
               Excellent.

                                        CIO
               Excellent.
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.