iPray
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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SCENE: GOD'S SANCTUM SANCTORUM
REPORTER is interviewing GOD as
heaven's CIO busies him/herself
with a computer.
REPORTER
God! I realize this is a busy time what with the rapture and
all. American Agnostic magazine appreciates the interview.
GOD
Are you recording this? I'd like a chance to clarify anything
I say before you set it in stone. Had a bad experience with
that.
REPORTER
I have to ask about the issue on everyone's mind: the
deficit. Every day the number of unanswered prayers gets
larger. Prayers are piling up. Are you in fact overwhelmed by
the prayer deficit?
GOD
All prayers are heard, but not all prayers are answered the
way we expect.
REPORTER
Why the massive buildup?
GOD
The prayer deficit results from years of having more
questions than answers. Sometimes all we can do is gather the
questions.
REPORTER
What do you say to those who believe that severe cuts in
prayer are required?
GOD
How can I cut off new prayers when there are so many Wall
Streeters in danger of going to jail, so many border patrol
agents ready to praise God and pass the ammunition, so many
presidential candidates having "breakfasts"?
REPORTER
What will you do if you can't get consensus on raising the
prayer ceiling? Is God too big to fail?
GOD
The universe can stand more prayer, not less. Besides, we are
becoming more efficient. All meditative and contemplative
prayer has been outsourced to the Buddha's group, for
instance. His numbers are way up now that we decided to refer
to layoffs as "corporate nonattachment". We're also using
technology to manage the workload.
CIO steps forward.
CIO
Prayer? There's an app for that. Actually, we've developed a
whole suite of platform-independent products collectively
marketed as iPray.
REPORTER
So this is software to run on my phone?
CIO
Exactly. The first module is iPraise, for people who want to
butter up the Big Guy. You dial a sentiment like "God, I love
that sunset!" and use a pulldown menu to select a value from
1 to 10. Push "Send" and off goes your message.
REPORTER
Does God hear e-prayers?
GOD
I receive daily summaries.
CIO
We've also launched iMeditate. Version 2.0 will feature
instant enlightenment, works like a tazer. Then there's
iConfess, very popular among professional athletes...
GOD
Oh, and iSwear. That one's very. . .
CIO
Colorful. And the biggest, iWhine.
GOD
Eighty percent of all prayers are complaints and demands, so
this is our flagship product.
CIO
Very big with bankers right now.
REPORTER
But will this technology help reduce the deficit?
CIO
Yes, because beginning with the presidential campaign we've
decided to limit all prayers to 140 characters.
GOD
That's about 20 words. If you can't say it in 20 words, you
can't say it.
CIO
Short prayers are good prayers.
GOD
Ask any Unitarian Universalist.
REPORTER
Thank you, God!
CIO
Three words.
GOD
Excellent.
CIO
Excellent.
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.