SCENE: GOD'S SANCTUM SANCTORUM

                                          REPORTER is interviewing GOD as
                                          heaven's CIO busies him/herself
                                          with a computer.

                                        REPORTER
               God! I realize this is a busy time what with the rapture and
               all. American Agnostic magazine appreciates the interview.

                                        GOD
               I'd like a chance to edit any quotes before you set it in
               stone. Had a bad experience with that. 

                                        REPORTER
               Look, I have to ask about the issue on everyone's mind: seems
               like there's a prayer glut and an answer deficit. Unanswered
               prayers are piling up. Why the massive backlog?

                                        GOD
               All prayers are heard, and all prayers are answered ...
               eventually. The deficit results from years of people having
               more questions than I have answers. 

                                        REPORTER
               Some say the situation calls for severe prayer cuts.

                                        GOD
               How can I cut off new prayers when so many Wall Streeters
               know they might go to jail?  How can I cut off prayers when
               so many border patrol agents stand ready to praise God and
               pass the ammunition?  How can I cut off prayers when all
               these presidential candidates are having "breakfasts"?

                                        REPORTER
               But what if you can't get consensus on raising the prayer
               ceiling? 

                                        GOD
               The universe can handle more prayer. Besides, we are becoming
               more efficient: All contemplative prayer has been outsourced
               to the Buddha. His numbers are way up now that we decided to
               refer to layoffs as "corporate nonattachment". 

                              CIO steps forward.

                                        CIO
               We're also using technology to manage the workload. Prayer? 
               There's an app for that. 

                                        GOD
               My software department. Actually, we've developed a whole
               suite of platform-independent products collectively marketed
               as--

                                        CIO
               iPray!

                                        GOD
               iPray!

                                        REPORTER
               So iPray is software that runs on my phone?

                                        CIO
               Exactly. The first module is iPraise, for people who want to
               butter up the Big Guy. 

                                        GOD
               You dial a sentiment like "God, I love that sunset!" 

                                        CIO
               And use a pulldown menu to select a value from 1 to 10.

                                        GOD
               Push "send"--

                                        CIO
               And off goes your prayer. 

                                        REPORTER
               Does God hear e-prayers?

                              God looks embarrassed.

                                        CIO
               He receives daily summaries. 

                                        GOD
               We've also launched iMeditate. 

                                        CIO
               Version 2.0 will feature instant enlightenment. Works like a
               tazer. 

                                        GOD
               Then there's iConfess--

                                        CIO
               Very popular among professional athletes. 

                                        GOD
               Oh, and iSwear.  That one's very. . . 

                                        CIO
               Colorful. And our flagship product, iWhine. 

                                        GOD
               Eighty percent of all prayers are complaints and demands, so
               iWhine is gonna be big.

                                        CIO
               Very big with bankers already. 

                                        REPORTER
               But will this technology reduce the deficit?

                                        CIO
               Yes, because starting with the presidential campaign we've
               decided to limit all prayers to 140 characters. 

                                        REPORTER
               That's like...20 words. 

                                        GOD
               If you can't say it in 20 words, you can't say it. 

                                        CIO
               Short prayers are good prayers. 

                                        GOD
               Ask any Unitarian Universalist.

                                        REPORTER
               Thank you, God! 

                                        CIO
               Fifteen characters.

                                        GOD
               Three words. 

                                        GOD
               Excellent!

                                        CIO
               Excellent!

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